this year’s model/ izzy
this year’s model walks into a meeting with iz………….and he’s almost jogging to keep up
she sends him for coffee and he returns only to be sent back for more cream………… she’s still got most of her looks and she is impressive until you watch her work, watch her game and the lives she runs through and the people she runs over and over and they take it until she tires of them
he’s gotta get this shit right or he won’t even make it to his designated time slot………. a year or less
we have seen the process over and over and over…………………..till it’s no big deal
we are here for us……………………………she can do whatever she wants, when she stops using and abusing people maybe she’ll get sober, we hope so
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we don’t see iz for awhile, maybe a couple of months…………………..she slinks into a meeting on the Boulevard and she looks beat, whipped……………………..we are use to seeing her fired up or coming down but not beat…………………that’s what this year’s model is for…………………..sugarman, part of the plan to keep the flow constant and when his money or his scam stop working, he’s gotta go
she keeps coming we figure because she knows just like we knew, in her heart of hearts, just like us she has more than one, and her soul of souls, we have a couple of those too…………….that what she is doing is wrong will she make it till life drops enough rocks on her head for her to get tired and give up
we don’t know just like nobody knew about us either
we exchanged chit chat over the years and i think she talked to me because i never bored her with suggestions about sober……………….she didn’t want to hear it and i wasn’t going to waste my time or hers
after the meeting people came up to her but she put her hands up waving them off and headed my way…………………she said, “got a minute, you need to hear this and i need to say it”
”talk a walk,” i said
she said, ” you know the deal with me, hell everyone knows the deal , i play around with people and sobriety, because i think i can take it or leave it”
i’m in Starbucks this morning trying to keep down a cup of joe, sitting in the corner
so i’m in between Servants, and i am” jonesing” pretty bad ………. this dude walks over and asks me if i’m okay…………I feel like i have sand in my eyes and they are tearing pretty bad, ” I say i’m fine, f…………off”
he sits down and doesn’t say anything and hands me a handkerchief, being the ass that i am i say, ” is this clean” and he laughs and says yes ” what do you want, i’m not feeling very perky this morning and i just want to sit her and listen to this cup of coffee”
his eyes start watering and damn if he doesn’t start crying……………..i think shit, i’m having withdrawals and this wacko sits down from outta nowhere and starts crying…………….. i say.” dude what is going on”……………he says, ” i’m sorry you remind me of someone i use to know”………………………i’m thinking this guy is whacked and he needs a fix worse than i do
”i don’t want anything from you and if you could find a way to let me tell you my story, i think i will have done what God wants me to do, could you do that?”
i was tired and i just didn’t have the energy to fight him off and i said, ” preacher you got 3 minutes ” and looked down at my watch
he said,” mam, i’m not a preacher, i’m just a man who lost the love of his life to the demon that’s eating your soul……………..this woman was my wife and she was clean when we met and stayed clean for first year after we got married………. we have a son together and he never got to know his mom……. i curse the demon that rules your life and the demon that destroyed mine if i could i would like to pray for you and if you would just give me your first name, i will pray for you you everyday”……………..the he reaches for my hand and i let him take it………… i say, “Isabel”
he doesn’t say anything for a few moments and then he says , ” Father, please make a way for my sister to be free…” he gets up and in the kindest way says, ”thank-you” and walks out the door
i felt totally at peace and i have felt that way all day……………………something happened…………………………………i want someone to feel about me the way that man felt about his wife…………………………how much he loved her……………………… for once could feel someone else’s pain and it hurt……………….i know it won’t ever happen the way i have been……….. i want to become a different person”
that did it…………..i couldn’t help it and i didn’t want to try…………….i started balling
IZ said, ”SHIT, TWICE IN ONE DAY” and we both sorta laughed, and i hugged her
it’s one thing to be sober , it’s something so unbelievable to see the lights come on in someone else…………………and they came on and have stayed on for the last 10 years
the names are fictitious in all my stories, they represent people i know or have known and i respect their anonymity and hope someone can identify with their walk
i do not claim to be a spokesman for any group/ any mention of terms that can be connected with any program is merely a coincidence………………..i am responsible for my own recovery, that’s it……………………..but it feels good when we can help